Saying yes can become an automatic response to other people’s needs, expectations, and requests, often before you’ve had space to consider your own. Over time, this pattern can leave you constantly responding, without enough distance to notice what you actually want or need.
Learning to recognise this pattern is what creates the possibility of choosing differently, so you can start to move towards what matters to you rather than simply staying available to everything else.
It’s taken me a few weeks to get to this episode.
What starts as an idea can quickly become something bigger or even unintended. And what so often happens is you keep moving towards the thing that seems most sensible, most responsible, or most expected.
But how often do you stop and think, Is this really what I want? Will this give me what I need?
These are the types of question you often ignore. Caught up in the demands of the day, making sure everyone else gets what they need, your own wants and needs get sidelined.
This is where I have been for a few weeks, and it has reminded me to slow down, think more deeply, and make sure the choices I make actually work for me.
What would it be like if you put your priorities before the demands of colleagues, friends, family? How would that feel? What is possible when you say start saying no?
Today we are talking about how the word “no” can change your life and also transform the relationships you have at work and at home. And why allowing yourself to say “no” can create space for what matters most to you.
The full transcript is available at theactionwithin.com/10.
Saying Yes Before Thinking
How many times this week have you caught yourself saying, “I’m so busy”? It’s no wonder because you’re working intensely, skipping meals and logging on late just to catch up on the work you set aside while helping everyone else.
Whether it’s with family, friends, neighbours, or colleagues, saying yes has become so automatic that you barely notice you’re making a choice.
That part of you that wants to be good, deliver well, show that your strength and capability is strong. So strong in fact, you will willingly sacrifice yourself for it. Over and over again.
I totally get it. This was me. It’s something I still have to work on every single day.
Saying “yes” is what you do. Maybe it’s because you still want the promotion, the recognition, the sense that all of this effort is leading somewhere, even if your heart isn’t really in it.
Because, you don’t know what else to do, so you keep going, keep delivering, and putting off the bigger questions for another day.
But the problem is that day never comes. Because the cycle starts over as soon as you are back at your desk.
The truth is you have no space to think because you keep saying yes.
The Discomfort of Saying No
Not everything that lands on your desk needs to become your responsibility.
But in those moments, it certainly feels like it needs your attention. And over time, that habit of responding to everyone else’s priorities can leave you constantly moving and never creating space to think about what you need.
The idea that you can say no can feel odd after so long of never doing it.
Maybe these thoughts are running through you head:
- “I couldn’t possibly say no”
- “What will they think if I say no”
- “It’s not going to be good for me if I say no”
- “How would I even do it?”
And these are all perfectly legitimate reactions to something that feels uncomfortable.
Because often what makes saying no uncomfortable isn’t the word itself. It’s what you think that saying no means about you.
In your life and career, there are likely so many moments when you were faced with feeling out of your comfort zone.
Your mind is racing. You’re second-guessing yourself. Every part of you wants to go back to what feels familiar.
But you did it. And looking back, you can often see that the discomfort wasn’t as bad as it felt at the time.
Discomfort doesn’t mean You Can’t Do It
I remember the first time I had to have a difficult conversation at work.
I role played it over and over in my head, worrying about how it would be received and whether I would say the wrong thing.
The conversation wasn’t comfortable, but I got through it. And every difficult conversation since has reminded me that discomfort doesn’t mean I can’t do it.
The same goes with saying no.
Saying no to people who rely on you, value your input, or simply want your help isn’t comfortable. Yet, that single decision to say no, can change your life.
At first, it never even occurred to me that saying no was possible.
That reality pushed me into unreasonable workloads and accepting it as normal.
It was only after I went over the edge, having lost myself in making sure other people’s goals were met, that I started to question who was benefiting from me always saying yes, always stepping up, always fixing.
I realised it wasn’t me that was benefiting.
Something needed to change and for the first time in my working life, I started making decisions that worked for me, not just everyone around me. It was freeing.
And yet, fast forward eight years and I had lost my way again.
That focus on ensuring I was well and satisfied first had slipped away at some point. Now in that time I had babies and changed roles which did create a need for comfort amidst a lot of change.
And that comfort for me, looks like saying yes.
When What Matters Is Clear, Your Choices Become Clearer
I started to notice and admire those who can more easily say “no, thanks”, “not for me” or “not now”, without the internal struggle that often comes with it.
How do they do it?
Well…people who can confidently say no, or step back from demands on their time and energy, have learned to stay in contact with what matters to them. Not perfectly, but enough that it gives them something to hold onto.
It’s less about certainty, and more about a reference point that keeps them from drifting away.
Because when you can sense what matters to you, you’re able to notice when something moves you towards it, or away from it.
It doesn’t make the decision effortless, but it does change what you’re negotiating with.
And still, it’s often not that clean in real life.
Even when you know, there are competing pulls. The urge to help. The habit of stepping in. The identity built around being the one who delivers.
That’s where it can still feel uncomfortable. Saying no can bring up guilt, uncertainty, and the fear of how you’ll be received.
And getting used to staying with that discomfort, without immediately overriding yourself, is in your interest.
When You Stop Saying Yes Automatically, Space Opens Up
Max de Pree, a leadership thinker, once said,
“We cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are.”
Change rarely happens in theory.
It happens in small shifts in how you respond, how you choose, and how willing you are to interrupt the patterns you find yourself in.
So if you’re noticing yourself differently as you listen to this, that matters.
Now you might want to start to experiment with saying no more often, or noticing where your energy is going and whether that feels aligned with what you actually want your work and life to feel like. I support that.
Even small moments of choosing differently starts to shift what feels normal.
You may also notice how others respond when you stop immediately absorbing every request. Sometimes people adjust quickly, sometimes it takes longer, and often they start to think more carefully about what they ask of you.
But if that feels like a step too far right now, or you want more space to understand yourself first, that’s ok too.
You might start by simply noticing where you override yourself, and what pulls you back into saying yes automatically.
There’s also a free guide on my website that could support you, Four practices to understand yourself and make career change possible. It helps you reconnect with yourself so decisions start to feel less automatic and more intentional.
And this isn’t to force you to “put yourself first,” but rather to learn to include yourself in the decisions you’re already making.