This episode explores how denial keeps ambitious women in careers that don’t truly fit them. When you ignore what you really feel and think, patterns begin to form that keep you moving forward without clarity. If you’re ready to slow down, face the thoughts you’ve been avoiding, and understand how fear shapes your decisions, this conversation will help you see what’s really holding you back and why self-knowledge is the first step toward moving from avoidance to clarity.
Hello, and welcome back. If you’re feeling stuck or unsure of who you are and what you want, it’s important to remember that this feeling didn’t appear out of nowhere. It’s been building quietly in the background for a long time.
Today, we’re exploring the role denial plays in that slow build, and how naming it could help you ground yourself and begin to move forward.
Understanding Denial
The idea that you’ve been lying to yourself might sound harsh. But there’s often some truth in it.
You’re where you are because, for many reasons, you’ve been denying what you really feel, think, and know about your work. And that’s okay – at the time, it likely felt necessary.
There’s no judgement here. Denial is a very human short-term defence. It protects you from emotions or truths you weren’t ready to face.
You didn’t plan for this. Life happened and you got swept up in it. There were pressures around you that made it easier to ignore what you felt.
I’ve been there too.
I didn’t realise I was in denial when I first stepped into a new sector, not clearly anyway.
But as the years passed, the conflict inside me grew, and I kept avoiding it. I pushed harder, ignored the signs, until eventually my health paid the price.
Denial is a normal short-term response to overwhelming moments.
Think of times when sudden bad news hits: an accident, a loss, something you’re simply not ready to take in. Your mind steps in to soften the blow until you’re ready to process what’s happened.
The Cost of Staying in Denial
But when we stay in denial for too long, it almost always comes at a cost – emotionally, psychologically, and sometimes physically.
Do you recognise any of these behaviours?
- Withdrawing from people you would normally enjoy spending time with
- Operating in a constant high-functioning stress state
- Feeling shame for thinking something isn’t right, or for wanting something different
- Feeling unable to move forward, overthinking every option and still not trusting yourself to choose
Denial is a significant reason you may feel stuck and lost in your career.
When you show up day after day in roles you know aren’t truly right for you, you’re overriding your own truth.
But you’re here now. Where you can begin to question what you’ve been holding in and exploring how to move beyond it.
You can break through. And I can support you in doing that.
The Fears Behind Denial
It’s common to slip into denial because something scares you.
The fear may be real or imagined, but it feels big enough to make you push down the conflict inside.
I grew up in hospitality and tourism. My parents worked in the sector and my siblings and I it was where we had our first employment.
Hard work and serving others became core parts of who I was. Continuing along the family path felt completely natural.
When the 2008 global recession gave me an unexpected opportunity to move into healthcare, I went all in.
I threw myself into the work, convinced it was the right move, and ignored the feelings that were quietly building beneath the surface.
I gave everything to prove I belonged…and eventually, I paid for it.
Instead of pausing to reflect or question how I truly felt, I doubled down. I repeated the pattern for 15 years. Eventually, the truth caught up with me. And that was a hard day.
So what was I really scared of?
At first, it was shame, shame about my past compared to my new life in healthcare.
I remember dreading questions about my education. I felt inferior.
I didn’t feel like an imposter – I could do the job – but I carried a quiet shame about where I came from.
As time went on, the fear shifted. I started to question who I would be outside of healthcare.
I had wrapped my identity so tightly around the credibility of my role that the thought of doing anything else felt impossible.
That was what was holding me in place. And it took time to separate who I was from the role I held.
When I finally spoke my fears aloud, something shifted. I created enough space to breathe, to see what was real, and to begin moving forward.
Facing Your Truth
Being honest with yourself is hard.
I’ve spoken before about the constant dialogue running through your mind. Much of it isn’t true, but when you hear something enough, your brain starts to believe it, and that shapes how you show up each day.
Breaking the pattern takes conscious effort. Sometimes your usual routines need something different to interrupt your thinking.
For me, that meant moving: going for a walk, a jog, or visiting somewhere new. Anything that created a little space to think.
Slowing down helped quiet the noise enough for me to tune in, listen, and start directing my thoughts instead of being led by them.
Before trying the next exercise, consider some gentle movement to help you settle and face your fears.
Step 1: Name your fears
Identify the fears that rise up when you ask why you’ve been denying what you really feel.
Go beyond the first answer. Look underneath the practical concerns.
- Is it fear of disappointing someone?
- Of making the wrong decision?
- Of losing security, identity, or approval?
Write down what’s really there, even if it feels uncomfortable to admit.
Step 2: Ask “So what?”
Now take each fear and explore it.
If this fear were true… then what?
- If this fear were true…then what?
- What would actually happen next?
- How would it affect your work, relationships, or sense of self?
Let the scenario play out rather than stopping at the initial anxiety. Often the fear loses power once you can see it clearly instead of carrying it without challenge.
Step 3: Gather the facts
Separate what you feel from what you know.
What real evidence supports this fear? And what assumptions fill the gaps?
- What real evidence supports this fear?
- And what assumptions fill the gaps?
Our minds are skilled at presenting imagined outcomes as certainty. Taking time to examine the facts helps you move from reaction to clarity.
Step 4: Assess the cost
Finally ask yourself:
What is holding onto this fear costing me?
- What is holding onto this fear costing me? Not someday, but now.
This is your chance to see the weight it carries and decide if this fear is worth keeping.
- Where is it keeping you small, silent?
- Or stuck in patterns that don’t reflect who you are?
This is where choice begins.
You get to decide whether this fear is protecting you, or preventing you.
From Denial to Understanding Yourself
As psychologist Julie Smith reminds us, thoughts are not facts. And yet, when you’ve been stuck for a long time, it’s easy to believe them, letting them shape your choices and how you show up.
Today’s practice is really about giving yourself some space. Space to step back from the noise in your mind, notice what’s true, and start facing what you’ve been avoiding.
This isn’t about forcing change. It’s about moving from denial to understanding yourself, so your next steps can come from clarity and who you really are.